The Story of.....Celebrity Crushes (Just Why Do We Have Them?)

You look into his wide blue eyes and swoon. He smiles his mischievous smile and whispers in your ear: "You look so beautiful, none of the statuesque women I've worked with possibly compare to your homely round face." You smile genially as you take his hand and say "Oh, Jake, you flatter me. Now, let's go to the academy awards." Then you waltz in with your handsome hubby as the voice booms: "Introducing Mr and Mrs Gyllenhaal".

And with that embarrassing daydream you jolt back to reality, the cold harsh reality where you're still a forever single college freshman and clearly not married to one of the hottest stars in Hollywood.

Ah, celebrity crushes. Where would we be without them? Probably doing a lot more productive things but whatever.

So the basic assumption is that we have celebrity crushes because they symbolize the unattainable. They are these inexplicably gorgeous, talented, hilarious people that you watch on screen and then you go google their wikipedia page and watch their interviews and convince yourself that IF, just IF this celebrity knew you, they'd instantly love you. You hear them say that they like down to earth girls. And you tell yourself, "Golly gee whiz! That's me to a tee!", knowing full well that they're just saying crap to make themselves sound appealing and 'relatable' and also that you're the last girl to be deemed 'down to earth.'

Celebrity crushes are largely exhausting to have. But for the loveless romantics like me, they're our sole source of survival. With a lack of boys growing up, studying in a tightly controlled girls school you have learn to make do with the Ryan Goslings and Hugh Grants of the world. Your fantasies with the celebrities you watch on screen constitute your love life. You form even deeper relationships with their characters and often believe that they're one and the same. 

With the in-depth knowledge that I have garnered about celebrity crushes over the years, here are some of the common crushes you're likely to have either on the celebrity themselves or the character they portray.* 

1) The Bad Boy: Honestly, I am SO done with this character. The bad boy is THE MOST crushed upon male character ever. I honestly don't get it. These characters are so overrated. The bad boy is wild and rebellious and  can wear anything from leather jackets to fancy suits. He is a bad boy on the streets AND in the sheets, if you know what I mean (wink wink, nudge nudge). He is gruff and tough but with a heart of gold. Epitome of masculinity. Refers to you as 'baby doll'. He has a troubled past but you're convinced you CAN change him. 

Eg: Heath Ledger and Jared Leto as the Joker, Bender in the Breakfast Club, Christian Grey, any Johnny Depp character ever.

2) The Nurturer: Often referred to as the nice guy. I resent this term though, because it implies that their niceness is their defining quality and then causes real life weird dudes to whine about how nice guys come last. The nurturer is SO much more than that. The nurturer is the guy you can depend upon, he values commitment, wants a family and more importantly knows everything about you. The nurturer is nice to everyone, a typical chocolate boy but he's extra sweet to YOU. He isn't the person to brush you off with a gruff "Later, babe." Their defining feature: Their kind eyes as they gaze adoringly at you. Seriously nurturers are my favorites.

Eg: Ted from HIMYM, Wilson from House MD, Mr Brown from Mind Your Language.

3) The British Dude: This dude is British. Um, that's pretty much it. Their accent is enough to make the ladies swoon. Royal and regal in all their might, gentlemanly to a fault, renowned for their stiff upper lip and savage British wit (The wonky teeth just adds to their charm!). 

Eg: All the Hughs (Grant, Laurie, Dancy), Benedict Cumberbatch, Colin Firth (better known as Mr Darcy and the love of my life)

                                                               

4) Eye Candy: Okay, okay this sounds incredibly shallow. But hear me out! Yes, the eye candy ARE usually talented amazing actors but let's be honest. The reason they catch your eye isn't because of their 'acting prowess'. It is largely due to the fact that they're easy on the eyes. These people are so attractive, its hard to look at them directly, for fear that they may just blind you with their beauty.

Eg: Ryan Gosling, Jake Gyllenhaal, Nicholas Hoult, Chris Evans, Zach Efron

5) The Hot Nerd: Such an underrated crush. These geeks are cute and funny and nerdy. They're usually nervous little creatures scuttling here and there and in this case, they don't look YOU directly in the eye for they have a crippling fear of the opposite sex. When they do feel comfortable around you however, they say the most insightful things. Some of them are also blessed with inexplicably well toned bodies for guys who sit and read all day but hey who's complaining?

Eg: Henry in Ugly Betty, Eddie Redmayne as Stephen Hawking,  The entire male cast of The Big Bang Theory.

                       
      

6) The Funny Guy: This dude is hilarious. He makes you laugh with the most absurd jokes. He's the guy you want to take with you at your family's stuffy boring dinner party because he'll keep catching your eye and make you crack up. Because of this superhuman talent, he manages to reign in girls out of his league because as any girl will tell you: comedy is clearly more important than looks, any day of the week.

Eg: Ryan Reynolds (I am not even going to give any more examples honestly, he's the epitome of the funny guy)
                                           

7) The Politically Aware Funny Guy: These guys takes it up a notch. They aren't JUST funny, they're funny in a politically and socially conscious way. These guys are all for feminism and LGBT rights and diversity and all that, in an era where most feminists are termed feminazis, no less! These guys are increasingly being represented in the media and I couldn't be prouder!

Eg: Most late night hosts but honorable mentions to my men: John Oliver, Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah and Stephen Colbert.
                                                     

                                                  

                                                  

I was very hesitant to write this piece, largely because I wanted to come across as this deep, cool, philosophical intellectual writer. But being a romantic and being an intellectual shouldn't be exclusive. Also I like writing about good-looking stars, so sue me. We can't all be deep ALL the time. 

So here's to our celebrity crushes, the tall, the short, the good, the bad, the relevant, the not so relevant. May our hearts continue to ache and may we continue to hold our future partners to impossibly high standards.

*These are male crushes, sorry for being less inclusive. But fyi, my woman crushes would be Ellen(who DOESNT love her?), Allison Brie (so absolutely gorgeous it hurts), Molly Ringwald (Queen of teenage angst and sultry pouts in the 80's romcoms), Charlene Yi (Hilarious, genuine and cute as a button) aaaand Mindy Kaling (who is basically queen of the whole world and if you say otherwise, well thats your extremely misguided opinion)